Cause I didn’t.

Well, I did, but I always relegated it to too hard and toner-esque and subsequentley never really gave it a good nudge.

Meanwhile I had friends screeching about how much they love their essence, gotta have their essence, if I ever get any extra essence, they’re happy to take it off my hands.  (Usually I’m fine but sometimes I’m all all like, Cate! Jesus! Can’t you get your own? You’re the spokesmodel for gorsakes!)

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He’s here!
He’s here!
His face is as big as his ear!

His name was going to be Wilbur, but Boyfriend starting calling him Meowbert, and it kind of stuck. Bert is the happy compromise, but Meowbert is what mostly comes out of my mouth.

Either way, I am in love.

Which will become annoying for you lot, but I’ll try to remember this is fruitybeauty, not fruityberty.

There is a lot I could say about the choices made by Amanda Bynes’ hair and makeup people before the US Hairspray premiere last night.

A lot.

I could make references to the fact as she’s not about to pose in crotchless panties in People magazine there is no need for that kind of tacky, porno, sparkly eye/sparkly lip, trashy, far-too-much-liner-in-use painted doll look.

I could also possibly suggest that skin as young and plump as hers doesn’t need one tenth of the amount of makeup she’s got on, expecially not in those proportions (read: lots, everywhere.)

I may hint that while her tan is probably real, and therefore accurate shade-wise, it may make her look cheap when she complements it with cleavage, cascading extensions and That Makeup.

And finally, I could imply that her hair, which has been bleached and extended and tonged and flicked to within a Pamela-Anderson of its life, may benefit from being less blonde, and shorter and more, well, how she used to have it when she was cute and funny and clever on her own TV show.

But I don’t need to say aaaany of that.
They know what they’re doing, right?

Someone recently posted a comment about something and within that post about smething by someone, they asked me to write more about Biotherm’s makeup, which I’d mentioned briefly once, a few thousand years ago….

Dear Someone,

Here is a rubbish photo I took of them last summer at Lake Fun. (The photo was taken inside.)

Why Biotherm says they are good products is because they contain the hydrating thermoplankton that goes into all of their skincare, and thus they treat as well as, you know, cover, the skin.

Why I say they are good is because the foundation (and this is only one of many they have) is light enough to go undetected, but provides enough coverage to make your face look even-toned, and allow the rest of your makeup to sit nicely and last longer, and their under-eye illuminator is nice and yellow-based to counter the dark circles, and is actually as hydrating as they say, meaning we get no crepey-crepey business after an hour or two, just eyes that look waaaaay brighter than they should at this hour of the morning when you’ve been sniffing and coughing all night (both are Naughty Things That Create Dark Circles.)

Fruity.

1. Sook. Sniffle. Sleep. A lot.

2. Spend lucid moments (after weeks upon weeks) searching for the kitten that Your Boyfriend is buying you for your birthday in a few weeks.

3. Discover it is the wrong time of the year to be buying an exotic.

4. Finally find and fight for (the breeder wanted him to go to a breeder/show home and I wrote her a play detailing why I would be a suitable, nay, superb mother for him) and book the flight for as yet unnamed kitten to arrive in Sydney this Friday.

4. Tell Boyfriend cheerfully you’ve done all the hard work and thank you so much, it’s the best gift a girl could hope for and that all he need do is pay attention to the account details you emailed him and get ready for FUN come Friday.

5. Get irritated you are ill because you’d really like to go buy a collar, scratching post and bed for this little guy…

Is that, as the above photo depicts, you can completely drop the vanity ball.

Filthy, foul, oily hair (easiest one to get away with because it’s "not good to have wet hair when you have a cold"),stupid red nose (been using Lansinoh nipple balm on it – looks gross, works a treat), breath of an ox, who has been dead for several days, in the sun, flaky, crappy, chapped lips (still struggling to fix this one as no matter how much balm I use, balm is only a barrier, not a softener. Have resorted to pure vitamin e oil), no need for makeup, or body lotion (takes too long after the shower when you’re supposed to be staying warm) and of course, the best part, wearing the same pyjamas for three days straight.

Basically, basically you have the license to be one hot bitch.

Did anyone see this "ground breaking" news report in The Sun Herald yesterday about the future of cosmetics?

Memo to The Sun Herald. You may want to do some research before you start spouting talk about the wild and crazy and totally Jetsons-esque idea of an ink-jet like foundation that is "electrically charged so an electric field could push it through a nozzle" so that it could then "be sprayed across the face."

But why the trash talk, Fruity?
Why you got your back up?
Where’s the fire?

Here’s why: It’s called SK-II AirTouch foundation.
And it’s  kind of been around for almost a year already.

Because fruits like to get their culture from places other than their yogurt, I’ve decided to showcase some Definitely Excellent art from a fellow Typepad-er, fourteen 14, whose blog, Gallery of the Absurd, is probably the best blog you’ll ever see, besides the obvious. (Hint: Jezebel)

Although with her multifarious talents she makes every other blogger look lazy, dull, unimaginative and simple, I still think she’s superb. Because not only is she a kickass artist, she’s also a scathing commentator on the obscene Hollywood circus her art represents. Basically, she is FUNNY and SHARP and CLEVER and if I were a boy, I would have the BIGGEST crush on her.

I mean LOOK AT THIS STUFF!

She is also amazing at representing a celebrity in a famous artist’s style. And coincidentally, I have an example right here! This is 14 does Dali does Angelina.

And of course, here are the Carter brothers. I mean, Olsen sisters.
Wicked. Just wicked.

Fruits, if you have any excellent blogs we should all know about, you should tell us, you know? The woolly wide web is like the road, it’s there to share. And waste large amounts of time on staring at. And so on.

In the July issue of Allure, a Brigham Young University Study tells that 61% of women aged 18-30 say they do activities they don’t enjoy to improve their looks.

And a Fictional Fruitybeauty Study reveals that the remaining 39% are either cave-dwellers, monks or liars.

Oh, come ON.

Hot wax poured on your ladygarden?

Massaging in cellulite-fight creams when you could already be in bed reading Eat, Pray, Love?*

Fake tanning and then waiting for it dry in a freezing cold bathroom?

Accidentally pulling on your lashes with your curler?

Sitting inside a stinky Beautiful Happy Sydney Nail salon on a sunny Sunday to get your talons clipped and painted?

Blow drying your hair for 45 minutes before work only to have it flip up at the ends and frizz anyway?

Point: I am definitely in that 61%. I do many, MANY things I don’t enjoy for the sake of look improving. Oh, sure, there are many that I do enjoy, but there are certainly, absolutely those that I don’t. And so I call to all the monks, cave-dwellers and liars to please justify your claims that nothing you do for the sake of beauty is enjoyment-free. Come on. Prove it. MAKE ME BELIEVE.

* As I had two people tell me to read this in one day I am off to buy it immediately if not sooner.

So, you wanted to see some of my orange (…. actually, more coral on second look) lips. See if I was full of more choko than a McDonalds apple pie or if the theory held some H2O.

Well, here you go, fruits. Two silly photos that prove a bright lip can be done and you won’t look like Grandma Joan, but conversely, rather fresh indeed.

See the many visible bronzer particles on my cheeks? They are crucial, as I keep saying. Looking tanned the the key. I like Estee Lauder’s Sunbronzer, M.A.C Mineralize and well, most bronzers that have a teeeny bit of shimmer throughout. But, y’know, sometimes a non-shimmer effect takes my fancy, and I’ll use my St Tropez bronzer. (No, I am not normal. I have more bronzers than any woman should have. But it’s my job.) Point is, bronzer is go.

For a CRAZY, intense, Chlo-Sev orange lip I like Napoleon in Hera or Pout’s plumping gloss in orange, but the one I wear immediately above and that I am enjoying most during this sure-to-not-last phase is Laura Mercier lipstick in Tangerine, which incidentally, my BFF, Donk, also, without knowing I loved it, bought to love and appreciate. Isn’t that WILD?

Here are our happy matching coral-based orange lipsticks that we love because they make us feel alive during rubbish June weather. Join our club if you want. We’re fun.