I’ve been cracking some fierce shades of orange/coral/watermelon on my lips of late. (I’ll post proof pics later.)

Orange is a dumb colour for lips.

No it’s not.

Uh, yeah it is.

IT IS NOT. A shade or orange on the lips in winter instantly brightens the face when the sky/weather/general vibe is dull, miserable, crap, poo. Add some bronzer and you’re all fresh and vibrant when every other fool looks matte and blah.

Oh yeah? well, my granma wears orange lips.

And I bet it’s a lovely frosted Helena Rubenstein lippie she’s had since 1987, too, bless her. But things have changed! No longer are shades of muted tangerine and warm peach relegated to those with blue hair! It’s for young people! Cool people! People who know how to use YouTube and think buying organic eggs will save the planet!

You’re an idiot.

Well then, so is Chloe Sevigny, who in her typical delicious style, teamed some 70s brushed-out waves and a fly frock with a sterling orange lip to the opening of the Hermes (how appropriate! Hermes! Orange!) store on Wall street the other day. (Note: This is not an admission, this is a facetiousness. Chlo-sev is radness to the maxness.)

Aaaand, let’s get a close up of those lips and those bronzed cheeks.

PRETTY.

It’s hard to look human/decent/alive when you get off an all night, red-light flight, because chances are you are not Erica Baxter-Packer and thus do not have access to a private jet, and as such, you have spent the last (insert amount) of hours with your head pressed against your right elbow/a pissy airline pillow/your fellow passenger’s (now) drool-covered shoulder, but now it’s thirteen minutes to tarmac time, and you’re being picked up by Your Fella, and you kind of want to look a little bit fresher than you do currently, which is one fruit fly short of a rotten banana. Not ‘amazing’, not ‘hot’, just fresh.

Quick smart, grab your bag, we don’t have much time.

Rub rosehip oil or face cream all over your (obviously makeup free) face.
Apply some tinted moisturiser, cause it’ll have some glow, and because foundation is too much effort for 6.55am.(I like DuWop revolution)
Do the bronzer trick as per below, or dab on some creme blush onto the apples of your cheeks. (I like Bloom in coy)
Use creamy concealer under eyes and around the nose. (I like Stila undereye concealer)
Use two eye drops per eye.
Apply stupidly shiny gloss to attract all attention away from bleary eyes. (I like Clinique Superbalm)
Apply some deodorant, you little stinker.

It LOOKS like a long list, but it takes around two minutes, and you don’t really even need a mirror. This leaves you 11 minutes to wish you’d brushed your pegs before the descent, cause holy lychee iceblocks, is that breath of yours gon’ be naaaaystee.

Speaking of lychee iceblocks, here is probably the most spiritual one you’ve ever seen. It says ‘A wake up call for your spirit’, which is a pretty big call for iced confectionery, but I like their optimism.

And here is a t-shirt that has nothing to do with spiritualism, but it was so excellent, I had to share with you anyway.

It says: Glamorama. Why grooming of glamour only if to just party? Once in a while oreate drama in your love dress up star basin to the him. You become attention of people.

I think there’s something in there for all of us.

Is bronzer, I’ve discovered.

I’m without any powerpoints (bye bye hair dryer/irons etc) or even a mirror in my room here so my grooming has, for want of a better expression, gone to kaka. BUT, I’ve figured out how to look Relatively Decent without any a) time, and b) faffing about because you just finished your last meditation and now you have to be at dinner, but there are three paddocks and a change of clothes standing in your way.

I just moisturise, (no foundation) apply some concealer to bits needing evening out (under eyes, around nose) and then, with a fat blusher brush, dust M.A.C Mineralize bronzer (note to all fruits: Mineralize are limited edition powder/shimmer blends that M.A.C. release each season and are without a doubt my favourite M.A.C products ever) all up my cheekbones, a little bit around my hair line, a faint trace down my schnoz and a teeeeeeny bit along my jawline.

No eye makeup, not even mascara, because who can be assed washing all that mess off when the bathroom is outdoors and you’re up at six to get spiritual, spiritual, I want to get spiritual.

A dab of gloss and this hippie’s ready to ride. And, she looks all glowy and holiday-y and like she’s kind of wearing make up but not. This trick is of course best suited to a tropical climate, but whoa-ho-HOA, don’t you DARE think you don’t use bronzer in winter. Quite the opposite*.

Here’s a photo of me all bronzed up with Mattay, whose name is actually spelled Made. Ahhh.Bless her and her crazy spelling.

* More on this when I’m not on Indo time.

Because I am in meditation boot camp and I am not supposed to be doing this, (some of the kids threatened to check fruity to see if I can resist. Clearly, I can not. Bad spiritual student, BAD) or checking my phone, or email or listening to my iPod or doing anything that takes away from the poignancy of what is up to nine hours a day of “rounding” (a potent cocktail of yoga, breathing and meditation that goes for an hour done in succession of up to five in a row. Oh yeah, this stuff be full, ON. No bintang and you-like-massage-madam, here fruits), I have to make this stealth and super quick.

I am using the villa computer to do it, and sweet Mattay’s (the villa’s minder) seems to be rather perplexed at the time I am electing to do this, but I will be quick, and I will give her literally millions (of rupiah) for the luxury, so really, she needn’t STAND SO CLOSE.

Some photos.

This is myself and Paola, a ridiculously beautiful Columbian model from New York who speaks like Scarface,(say hello to my leetle fren)  is funnier than Seinfeld and has made every one of us all in love with her.

This is one of the many, many monkeys who like to watch us meditate in the mornings. As you can see, he is thirsty, so he is drinking from our saltwater pool. Honestly. And people say monkeys are clever.

And this is Some Of Us on our post-lunch stroll to help our AMAZING ayurvedic lunch digest before we hit the yoga mat again. See the blue sky, see the lack of rain; foresee the climate shock I will get hitting the tarmac at Kingsford-Smith to sideways rain and seven degree temperatures come Sunday.

Ahhhh, sweet little Mattay. She’s saying things in Indonesian and smiling and pointing to the door and giggling and making sleeping-pillow symbols. It’s quite entertaining, but probably not very zen to pretend not to know what she means just to prolong the show.

Yours in Om,

Fruitarishi.

You know how back at school when you got busted with a mouth full of eucalyptus lollies and crazy Mr Kavanagh said, right, either you share with everyone, or no one has any, you included.

And so you mashed and crunched your way through those lollies like your teeth were some form of demonic clamp of death so that you could achieve a win-win by inhaling your goods before you were made to spit them out, and no minger sitting two rows back would get their grubby little paws into your bag of lollies, either. Clever you.

So, if you’re sitting at a table or bar, or whatever, and there are other women with you, maybe they’re friends, maybe their workmates, but they’re all of the species that likes lips covered in shiny goo, and you pull out a fat tube of gloss and apply it to you lips, therefore making you look prettier then them, and forcing them to want to immediately apply some too, should you hold it out as though it were a stick of chewing gum, so that all may have some?

Or, should you gloss your lips with speed and grace mid-conversation and get it back into your bag before anyone even really knows what’s going on, except now you look somehow fresher than you did a few seconds before but they can’t quite put their finger on why… Because that’s your gloss, you bought it, and they’ve all bloody got their own in their bags anyway.

Well? What do you do?
Tell me. Tell me. I NEED TO KNOW.

Josie wondered if her hat was too gangsta
until she saw that her new boss was
wearing an Eminem necklace.

This post is regarding what style of makeup to wear on your first day of a new job.

It’s pretty simple really, both the actual makeup and the logic behind it.

You want to look polished. Not like you’re the type who will steal stationary/petty cash/entire office desks, or the type who will be less interesting and just as useful than the ink in the fax machine, or the type who will be dancing on the bar in your bra at the Christmas party (although that is kind of fun) just polished.

You also want to send a message that you know you’re the shit, you know how to wear makeup, you know how to wear appropriate makeup, and that possibly in a few years, you’ll be running the joint. I imagine.

Here’s what I recommend.

For foundation, go a semi-matte finish (I say this only so you don’t go in with tinted moisturiser and a face of sheen). I will be using Biotherm’s Light radiance foundation, which is Rather Excellent (and I don’t find it to be drying like a lot of mid-coverage foundations).

Lovely healthy cheeks – ideally during winter, this will be a healthy flush of non-shimmer bronzer and blush. I’ll be using the new Estee Lauder Tom Ford Azuree soleil Sunbronzer, which is beautiful and sans glitter and the perfect mesh of warmth and colour.

Continue Reading..

I also know that standing on cold tiles after your shower and putting on body lotion is about as enticing as a warm oyster milkshake.

But there are simple ways to not freeze your kicker off and remain more human, less lizard this winter.

1. Don’t even think about using body lotion that isn’t in a pump form.

Pumps make everything so much easier. It’s one smash of the lid and two appendages sorted. Feels quick; is quick. My favourites are Dove Summer Glow in the MEGA pack (yes, I still like to get the puppies out occasionally in winter and they always look better with a bit of colour) Keihl’s Creme de Corps (oooh, how celebrity of me) and Dermalogica intensely hydrating body lotion (serious gear for seriously dry skin.)

2. Kick the lotion habit altogether with a shower cream.

Ah yes, possibly the best invention since gradual tanners, these in-shower moisturisers cleanse thy body as well as moisturising it. And it’s not even marketing bullshit – they work, and I’m a tough crowd cause I hate, hate, haaaaate dry post-shower skin.

My top picks, cause I know that’s what you want to know now that you’re all pumped about this new genre of skin care, are Palmolive (cheap and very good), Biotherm (not so cheap but nice for boys and girls to share) and Crabtree and Evelyn (possibly the winner as they have a stupidly big range that includes excellent ingredients like cranberry and edamame).

3. Three? There is no three. Well I’m sorry! GOD, you’re so DEMANDING these days!

*sobs*
*remembers hates these asterisk aside things*
*wonders what else can use to express emotions or actions*
+ these are no good+
< or these >
% these are terrible %
*guess it’s back to these*

Don’t you love those competitions in the paper that let you make up a caption for a photo or cartoon?
You DO?
I thought you would!
We’re so alike, you and me.

Well, when I saw this photo of Miss Los Angeles 07, aka Posh Spice, aka Victoria Beckham, I thought it lent itself to such a competition.

She was on the red carpet at the MTV awards on the weekend, but lordy me, don’t let that stop your creative milkshake from frothing over the side.

I have to get the ball rolling obviously, so here’s mine.

"Elbows pointing directly to the cameras, check. Radio transmitters implanted by Mad Professor Inklestein connecting with camera, check. Transfer of electromagnetic waves of adoration for me into every tabloid magazine and newspaper in America, check. System complete. Disarm elbows."

*May be a lie.

By refreshing your hair colour tonight.
Oh stop it.
As if you’re doing anything other than watching CSI and planting tulip bulbs.

I like to use a wash in, wash out colour refresher. They take a few minutes in the shower and make your hair look gloriously shiny and lovely and totally like you’ve just been to Cheryl’s Hair Trendz and had your $65 semi done. They’re great in faded-hair "emergencies" like if you have a wedding to go to, or a saucy date or a board room presentation to a hair care colouring company, who will obviously be checking out your hair. (Probably that last one will be less common.)

I like Goldwell Love Brown (they of course do a red and blonde one too) – which encompasses a shampoo, conditioner/treatment and leave-in fluid thing that also deposits colour but moisturises your hair too. It doesn’t stain your hands. It’s not tricky or gloves-required-y, or tiles-stain-y, or thinking required-y at all.

Another one I have just discovered is Revlon’s one, (yes, they do hair colour, and false nails too. Seriously) which is in a small round bottle and I will need to go home to get the product and tell you the name, because I can’t remember it.

As we all know, brunette is The Colour Choice of winter, (shoosh, no arguments, you know it’s true) as these three Foxy Friends of Fruity generously illuminate (pun intended) in this rubbish photo I took last Thursday at Sunsilk’s launch of their new fashion haircare (Explanation: Akira Isagowa, Bettina Liano and Wayne Cooper have each created flash bottles with a lushly-scented, shine-inducing ‘poo and condi.)