Mitch Dowd. Remember them?

Big sleep wear company, especially in the men’s market, that used to be  huge but then kind of slipped into a pajama selling lull, probably caused because they were so snug in their little matching fleecy sets they forgot to show up at the office once or twice and then decided that as their behaviour was actually in line with their company motto of making excellently comfortable sleep wear so good you never wanted to get out of it into Real Life clothes that, you know, going to the office and stuff seemed way less important than it used to be.

Anyway.
I got sent some of their new stuff, called Zen Sleepwear.
Looks real good, in a Stella McCartney for Adidas way.

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Not long ago, I didn’t know who this person was. (For those who still don’t, it’s Katherine Heigl.)

I even lobbied for her not to go on the cover of the magazine I work for, claiming no one would know who she was. HA. They said. HA. Clearly that’s because you’re not a ‘Grey’s’ person, gotta be a ‘Grey’s’ person, everyone’s a ‘Grey’s’ person.

Whatever.

So she’s also a movie star, right, and she’s in the new film Knocked Up, which is less about a Doctor having a catastrophic overfill of knock knock jokes (although with her small screen work on ‘Grey’s’ it’s all about ‘Grey’s, you could be forgiven for thinking so) and can we just take a moment and appreciate how superb she (and that rock…  holy custard apples, wouldyoulookatthesizeofthatthing?) looks at the premiere?

She’s all soft and dreamy, and has played up her beautiful light
olive skin with possibly the most flattering colour possible, peachy
tan. Add the sweet 50s style shirt dress (with just the right amount of
cleavage), the excellent 40s style updo, the simple drop earrings to
indicate It Is Evening And This Is A Special Event, the beautiful tonal
continuity with the peachy, glowing skin, the nude lip and simple lined
eye and she’s hotter than a piece of pineapple on a freshly-cooked
Hawaiian pizza.

Note to Paris, Lindsay, Jessica, Britney, Jack Black: This be glamour. Learn from it.

Know that feeling you get when you’ve just left the tarmac in a plane, and your ears are popping and you already need to go to the loo, and you suddenly realise you forget to get your new Marian Keyes book out of the overhead and you’re wondering if the guy next to you will possibly consider removing his arm from the communal arm rest at any point during the 13 hour flight and so, bored and slightly agitated, you decide to look out the window and suddenly you’re violently aware of the fact that you’re really, really, really high?

Yes, well, that’s kind of how I felt when I saw how many fresh new fruits logged onto fruitybeauty yesterday.

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So there’s this makeup brand, right, called She Uemura, and it’s created by an amazing Japanese makeup artist, and although he made lots of excellent things he was undoubtedly most famous for his eyelash curler which EVERY single makeup artist with the ability to apply foundation sans jawline line swears by because, oh, it’s just so beautifully and delicately made and your lashes just respond so perfectly and curl so incredibly. 

Mr Uemura and his magical lash machine used to be available in ‘Straya via Mecca cosmetica, but then one day it wasn’t, and it still isn’t and so most of us have carried on with our lives, secretly grieving our lashy curly loss but knowing deep down there’s always overseas, and we can buy it there, right? Right?

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And now for something frrresh.

Here’s the one I mention in the Definitely Excellent Review, but didn’t have on me whilst ugging gaily around the countryside. It’s a life saver (forget CPR, just use this) for dry faces or a chapped nose, or dry knees; whatever. I especially love to pull him out when I see those little fine line-y, laughter line-y lines come up around my eyes. I just dab this gear on and they’re GONE, filled with moisture and dewiness. It’s about $20 bucks from Priceline.

Friends call me a Brunette Bully.

Ever since I switched to glossy chocolate from frizzy straw I’ve been banging on to people who are fair to try dark.

"It’ll bring out your eyes!"
"You can wear lovely dark eye makeup!"
"Your hair will shine, shine with health!"

As such, Cam Diaz has annoyed me a little bit by going from this awesome, renegade example of the Perfect Brown (the dark brown she initially sported was too dark, I totally agree) for light eyes:

To this old chestnut, (or rather, peanut):

Oh Cam, you look so… meh.

Now I’m not one to make sweeping statements based on one biased opinion, but CLEARLY Cam looks better with dark hair. See how her eyes sparkled! See how her skintone glowed!  See how common Cali Girl she looks now she’s back to her old tricks! But incredibly, her hair colour is not up to me, and she clearly just feels better as a blonde. Plus, I guess with all that surfing she was tired of her semis washing out.

But. Sometimes, sometimes, it’s very, very clear some people look better blonde. People with brown eyes, for instance.

Case in point:

Jess has recently made the change from this, uh, ravishing mountain of brown-ness:

To this, her trusted blend of honey, ash and caramel:

And I for one, am thrilled. She looks superb as a blonde. Fresh. Pretty. Striking.
Don’t fight it Jess, you’re Daisy Duke, circa 2006 and you’re okay.

And what does this all prove, you ask? It proves just how capable I am of delivering an argument that I am incapable of sticking to for even one blog post.

Images: Austral.

… And you think, gosh, I should really do a body scrub ’cause my skin feels a bit scaly and rough and some exfoliation would be a splendid thing to do to get me soft and lovely again and, ohgoodLORD look at those tan lines on my ankles! How was I walking around today like that and NOBODY TOLD ME? I feel like a stripy little fool, I feel like a rough, lizard-esque little fiend!… and y’know, that kind of caper, here’s the Tip of The Century.

When you do a body scrub, step away from the shower stream.

Either scrub up before you even turn those taps on, or wash your body, turn off the taps, step back, scrub and scrub in circles, then rinse it off, but do SOMETHING sans water, because if you do the scrub when your body is under the shower, you may as well coat it in sandpaper for all the good it will do you and that rough skin. If you get a body scrub in a salon, you are dry when it happens. And the same rolls at the homestead, fruits. Just minus the laying on the table and the Enya part.

My favourite scrub right now is the Origins Incredible Spreadable ‘calm to your senses’ scrub: Like all the Origin scrubs it has olive oil to hydrate and white and brown sugars (hard but soft at the same time) to get rid of dead skin cells, and oh, the scent…

Which scrub do you like?

S to the J to the P’s first scent, Lovely, went ballistic. But I don’t need to tell you guys that, you were the ones who couldn’t get enough of that sweet musky stuff.

Well, hold on to your custard apples, because her follow-up fragrance Covet, (latin for ‘Christian Lacroix Haute Couture-dressed criminal’) will be on sale July 23. And, you know what, it’s a really nice juice. Cause I was sent it to photograph for The Magazine, and when I tested it so I could write about it, its sexy, fruity flavour lasted on my arm all, all day. But more on the juice when it’s on sale, cause teasing is a revolting thing to do. (Also, the bottle is unreal – the lid is like a wee, jewelled bracelet for the bottle. Adorable.)

Oh look! The campaign!

Go SJ, GO! Break that glass with your heel and GET THAT PERFUME. After all, you made it and it’s got your name on it.

Ohmygosh: You got caught?… You’re in prison?…. Well, this is awkward. I mean, you’re a mother for goodness sake! What will become of your children? Why won’t SOMEBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN! Ok. Get a grip, let’s all just get a grip. Ok. You should probably call Matthew. And stop looking so happy! The press will be onto this any moment, and let me tell you, it will not be good for your career young lady. Remember what happened to Winona? Yes, well. Let us learn from that. Don’t expect ‘Free SJP’ t-shirts as a rite of passage, either.

Say, Fruity, your makeup looks fiiiiiine today.

Mirror, my friend, I’m going to have to agree with you.

But how so fly at the start of the week? What’s the trick? I only had you for three minutes!

The trick, my reflective little puggle, is three fold: First I line my upper lashline with black liner, in a very neat, on-the-actual-lashline-way. It’s not smudged, it’s not smoky, and it’s probably very black eye shadow being used wet and applied with a lipstick brush. (From the Dior palette in Nightdust)

Groovy!

Second, I applied some lip stain on my lips. Red. (Revlon Limited Edition Bite Me in Plum Flushed.)

Neat!

Finally, I applied Maybelline NY’s as-yet-unreleased but Definitely Excellent new gloss,  Shine Seduction, in #510. This delivered a truly flashy pout.

Sassy! You know, you really do look all ’40s and fun – what a gas that it only took you minutes to get this look!

Oh, I know. I almost feel like transcribing our conversation onto fruitybeauty so they can all be as lazily done on a mon.

Ooooh, careful Fruity: People may think you’re mentally unstable.

True, true.

Maybe I’ll just take a zany snap of the look instead.

Better. Leave your talking mirror out of it.

But look at her.
She looks 55 and why? Because she’s already employed ‘Eternal Youth Tactics’!
Silly little fruit she is – you can’t do these things when you’re too young for them, or you just look scary.

You don’t agree?
Perez says it’s coke bloat and so it must be?
Bad angle?
Oh, come ON.
That is a face that has seen a needle or 56.
Look! The cheeks are unnaturally plump! The lips have a dodgy, over-filled line around them that screams ‘I
don’t belong to Jess Simpson, but you could be forgiven for thinking
so!’ I’m not sure about Botox but while I’m flinging massive accusations why stop now!

In my mind it looks like she needs to rip off all that kohl and that filthy bronzer and have a good exfoliation and a cup of chamomile tea.

Cause as it is, ol’ mate Linds is starting to remind me of someone.

IMAGES: Austral Press.