Well.

After seeing the amount of horrified posts from non-gloss sharing fruits who are terrified of getting cold sores, I feel like a filthy little minger.

Why?

Because like so many other poor little monkeys, I suffer (yes, suffer – if you’ve ever had one you’ll know how much they suck) from cold sores. But, y’know, two-thirds of the
population get them, so statistically, that’s not so surprising,
although it is very irritating and extremely visually offensive.

But clearly I did not create a post simply to gross you all out by admitting I get these vile little beasts. No, I post about this unsavoury topic because I have a MAGIC TRICK.

I can slay a cold sore
within three days (and as we know, the bastards can last up to two
weeks), and not one person would’ve guessed I even had one. True story.

If you don’t get cold sores, stop reading now, because this topic is gross enough without non-sufferers turning their noses up and exposing nose hair at it in disgust.

So. As anyone who gets them, or even has to look at them, knows:
Cold sores (hereafter referred to as CS) are possibly one of the most
revolting things in the world, (after lecherous Uncles on Christmas day
asking you to sit on their lap.) And so, I feel it is my duty to share
my secret, powerful, incredible CS zapper with you.

Nail polish remover.

Mm-hmm, nail polish remover.

YES. I am aware that I am actively encouraging you to put a known
poison near your mouth, and YES, everyone reacts differently to
different CS remedies, but across
the board I have found this to be incredibly, stupidly successful.

As I said, it’s a known poison, and this procedure must be taken with great care and seriousness, because you do NOT want to swallow that stuff, and look, it can’t be good for you or your skin, but you have NEVER seen a CS go as fast as when using this gear on it.

The key is to follow these directions:

As soon as you feel the tingle, get a cotton pad or tissue with
polish remover on it, and press it on the area hard. Hold it there. IT
WILL KILL SO, SO BAD. Especially at around the seven second mark. But
you must press it on there for 10 seconds.

What does is dry the virus out so much, that often, the blister won’t even appear.

If you want, put some Zovirax on now, but I don’t even bother
anymore, because that stuff makes the CS moist, whereas the whole key
to killing these monsters is keeping them as dry as possible.

That
means no lip balm, lip gloss, no nothing. Just this gnarly potion
pressed onto your lip every hour in the initial stages and then five
times a day thereafter.

(Taking some Lysine tablets, staying out of the sun, and not eating chocolate or drinking coffee also helps.)

If you MUST cover it, dab some foundation or concealer over it – this
is drying also, so at least you’re keeping up the whole dry theme.

I
don’t know how, I don’t care how it works, I just know that it dries it
out completely, dry skin flakes over and then provided you DO NOT PICK
AT IT, DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT PICKING AT IT, it will heal very quickly,
and  you, my friend, have beat the bastard.

Any questions, and
I’m sure there will be, along with a variety of ‘you’re off’ type mud
slinging, just comment below so we can all read the answers.

You’ll thank me later.
And you’ll probably even claim the magic trick as your own.
But I don’t mind.
As long as we’re collectively ridding the world of cold sores, I’m happy.