Do you know what TM stands for?

That’s right! It’s Terribly Magnificent, which is precisely what you are if you’re reading this blog.

But it also stands for Transcendental Meditation, which is the brand of meditation I do, and which (The Beatles did it, and Heather Graham does it, along with The Rolling Stones and David Lynch etc etc) I learned a couple of years ago from my beautiful cousin, Guru Gaz, who teaches it all over the world, but mostly in North Bondi.

I love it because it’s designed for people who have a rubbish attention span, and not much time, but who need to be creative and stress free and focused. I find it easy and excellent and am happy to speak about it at length to anyone silly enough to ask what it’s all about.

Anyway, so today, I’m flying to stay in a glorious villa on Bingin Beach, Bali for a one week retreat with a collective of other TM types from Straya, to eat lovely Ayurvedic food and do lots of TM and yoga and swim and just be a superzen fruit in general.

I’m very excited, but I’m not sure what internet access will be like there, or whether it’s, y’know, "allowed", so I will do my best to blog about a life far removed from leaking apartments and uggboots, but please don’t throw tinned tomatoes (or kidney beans) if I can’t post until my return next Sunday.

One thing I will definitely try to post while I am over there is a list of the beauty products I packed for a week in the sun. Not to brag, dear fruits, but to edumacate, because it’s always difficult to remember what you need for a hot climate when your toes are two degrees off frostbite, and, you know, some of you might be off for a European summer in the next few weeks, (you may be invited to the Packer wedding, for instance) and be rather interested indeed.

And now, for something completely different.

Sometimes I forget what blogging is about.
I do.

See, the magazine writer side of me feels compelled to give you tips,
and products and incredible new ways to apply your mascara so that you
walk away feeling compelled and clever and 67% more likely to try gold
eyeliner than before clicking onto Fruitybeauty in your favourites bar
(because that’s where it sits, obviously).

But what I forget is that mostly, mostly blogging is supposed to be
about me, the Self-indulgent Blogger, spewing words onto a page about
whatever I experienced today that was interesting to me. Because,
y’know, after all, blog is merely the words ‘web’ and ‘log’ joined
together, and all it is meant to be is an online journal, but I just so
love telling you all of the practical stuff I learn at The Magazine,
that sometimes I forget that just writing about random stuff is nice
too.

And why I tell you this is because this week, after three years at One
Amazing Magazine, I am changing to a New Amazing Magazine, and I am
fully aware that that brings with it a whole new fruit platter of
scariness and newness, and the idea of blogging each night on top of
this scariness and newness, was starting to terrify me a little, and
feel like a Must Do, not an Enjoyable Romp, and as we all know, when
blogging starts to feel even remotely like a chore, something is
hideously, violently wrong and an intervention, or at least a
pre-emptive strike is desperately required.

Look, probably nothing will change.
Honestly.
But I just wanted to flag
it so that if I miss a day here, or if my posts become a little shorter
that you’re used to, it’s not because I’m trying to break up with you.
It’s just that I’ll be wearing the job equivalent of a new pair of
jeans, and until they start loosening up, and moulding to the shape of
my bum, I wanted to have a little safety net in place.

With love and lychees,
Fruity Patooti McSplooti.

You may have read somewhere once (not here, definitely not here) that if you need to get out the door but NEED to have pretty nails, that one thick coat of polish slapped onto your talons will do the trick.

Fruits, I am here to say that this is an utter falsity, because how can putting a thick, glob of something that already takes time to dry, even when spread thin, be a clever idea?

It can’t be.

It’s silly and we must all do our best to stop these dreadful lies once and for all.

What should be done, is two very speedy thin layers.

Give each layer 60 seconds to dry and you’ll be a lot happier when just fifteen minutes later you need to dig into your handbag for your keys and your polish comes out sans indents. And if you REALLY can’t even spare that much time? One opaque polish; one thin coat. This is NOT THE TIME FOR SHEER POLISH.

I used L’Oreal’s new version of jet-set quick dry lacquer (it’s in a skinny thin bottle) in a blood red the other day in just this situation, and yes, it chipped the next day, but that one thin coat was a nail-saver at the time. Plus, I found the brush to be excellent: Even someone on amphetamines, three red bulls and a triple espresso could’ve walked away with pretty nails using this brush.

Other clever things you can do to make it look good and dry faster:

Use a fast-drying shiny top coat.
Use a quick-dry drip over the top, ensuring you leave 60 seconds between top coat and doing this.
Do your nails at your desk the day before, and let them dry as you type personal emails and pretend to work.

This Monday fruits, I think we should all maybe try the flashy shadow-used-as-liner business I’ve been gibbering about. Whether you want to complement it with contoured cheeks, full pink lips and a backcombed pony is up to you and your Miss World manager, but I would suggest at least throwing in some creme blush, gloss and mascara (including that bottom lash trick I taught you last week) so your face looks balanced.

The key to this look-far-more-made-up-than-the-effort-you-put-in, trick, is buying wet and dry shadows. The high quality, finely-milled variety, which are high in pigment, are best. A lot of brands kindly specify if they’re wet and dry, but I know, for example, that most Lancome, Stila, Physicians Formula, Pout, Estee Lauder, Revlon and a lot of mineral makeup brands, are wet and dry. Anyone from brands I’ve missed please comment below so we all know. Go on, do it. Help us all look prettier in less time, for gorsakes.

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