Before embarking on a Night Out, many a lady will attempt to jam a cosmetic artillery the collective size of a laptop in a bag roughly the size of a cassette tape.

She has done such an elegant, marvellous job of her makeup before she leaves the house, you see, that she feels the only way she can possibly maintain this splendour throughout the evening is by packing all of the cosmetics (and appropriate tools) used in creating said splendour with her when she leaves.

Sadly, she is wrong to do this.

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My friend, code name Bernie, text me about this while I was splashing about in the sideways rain at Byron bay over my New Years break. Thanks for that, cyclone. You’re awesome.

She was a little confused, you see, about which order summer skin care goes. Does the sunscreen or sunblock go under your face cream, or over? And I thought what a great question, Bernie, that deserves fruitification.

The answer of course fruits, is on top of your face cream. Sun protection, (30 plus and protecting you against both UVA [ageing] and UVB [burning], please) should be the last thing you put on your face (before makeup, of course.)

So, ideally you would apply your serum (treatment product), your moisturiser (hydration, antioxidants etc), your sunblock/sunscreen/zinc, and then (your primer if you wear one) and then your makeup.

Of course, you could make life easy and combine your daily moisturiser with your high protection sunblock, which Kit, Mecca, Ultraceuticals, True Solutions, Skincueticals, Invisible Zinc, Clinique and a whole host of other skincare brands will happily allow you to do, provided you hand over some clams for their goodies.

Another way to simplify in summer, (and my GOD I love this product, it’s my summer staple three years running and is so teeny you can take it everywhere, even in that silly coin purse thing you use over summer because your work handbag is monstrously oversized) is to combine your high protection with your foundation, as per Shiseido’s sun protection stick foundation. (Shiseido are renown for their excellence in sun care.)

It’s this teeny little foundation stick full of 30 plusness and broad spectrumness that is waterproof, sweat proof and gives awesome, natural dewy coverage (you just draw on some lines then blend in with fingers), conceals spots (even red, fresh or naughtily picked-at ones) and undereye circles better than pretty much any concealer I’ve tried and is just superb for the beach or the bar or bowling or bungee jumping.

There are a few different shades (I use Ochre) and look, I could go on but the point is that I. Love. It. Much and you might too.

Q: Let me guess, you’re about to post a bronzer tip?
A: Wow, you’re, like, really smart and stuff.

Q: Will some fruits already have read this tip on your work blog?
A: Most likely.

Q: Then why post it here? Lazy? Running out of material?
A: Tough crowd. I’ll post it here because it’s too excellent to not have everyone one know it, do it and love it.

Q: Big call. What you got?
A: A pretty amazing bronzer trick, is what I got. Which is more than I can say for you, and your nasty little questions.

Q: Whatever. Start tricking and tipping, sister.
A: Okay.  So. It’s a leetle bit hard to articulate, as in Very Very Hard, but after my under-eye illuminator triangle, this is probably my Best Tip Ever. I was graciously given it by a Chanel makeup artist, Anthony Adams, and it goes a little something like this…

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Things I will be mentioning in this post:

That eye makeup remover pads should be in your life. I like the Almay ones. Make sure you don’t buy the oily ones; the oil gets in your eyes and it’s annoying. Stay oil-free. You buy them from Priceline, and they are little round cottony pads doused in remover and they come in a little purple tub, and they will decrease your eye makeup removal time and energy by up to 675%. I have been using them for around two years, and as someone who often wears Too Much Eye Makeup Because It Is Fun and Also Her Job Kind Of, they are marvelous for removing stubborn eyeliner and smoky-eye-ness and that thing I tried to pull off with my Napoleon loose dust that I saw in Nylon magazine where the girl had red glitter everywhere, except that it looked rad on her, probably because she is a model and a makeup artist did hers. All you do is press the pad on your eye for ten seconds and then gently wipe. It’ll take a few wipes, (BE GENTLE, PLEASE, UNLIKE THIS CAPS LOCK) but it’ll all go, and then when you wash your face, the sneaky bits of leftover mascara and liner will even be forced to shove off, and then all you are left with are your pretty, clean little eyes, and not some wild-tramp-with-far-too-much-eyeliner-that-has-smudged-everywhere, eyes. (Who invited her, anyway?)

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So allow me to locate it for you.

1. First things first. Thank you for stopping by. Really. And, I want it known that I appreciate all of the lovely, exuberant, grateful feedback I receive almost daily. I consider myself extremely lucky because it is a glorious thing to know what you are doing is appreciated and enjoyed. So thank you, sweet fruits. You’re very kind. Now. As for the Other Ones.

2. I must remind everyone that this is my blog. I am the owner, manager, author, water boy and costume designer. I can write whatever I like, whenever I like. Because it’s my blog.

3. I actually pay money to have the luxury of writing fruitybeauty. (As for those ads you see? Big earners. Huge. Why, they must bring me in at least 45 US cents a month.)

4. Blogs are hard, work. I write fruity late at night, on planes, at internet cafes and before my porridge in the mornings, just so you can get your hit. I panic when I leave it more than two days and I haven’t been able to fully relax in over a year, because I have a small bloggy child who constantly needs feeding. Many start blogs and many give up for this very reason. One of my favourites, Letter to Marc Jacobs, died this very death.

5. I have a full-time job, I’m writing my second novel and I have a family, social circle, boyfriend, gym membership, cat, Bonsai and Backstreet Boys fan club membership, all of which also require time and energy.

6. I began fruitybeauty because I had a serious surplus of information on
makeup, skincare, hair and neon orange nail polish whizzing and
whirring around my head, and I thought, gosh, you know, I should
really share that information around, because I only get so much space
in The Magazine I Write For, and yet there is so much more stuff people
should know about the products and services they spend a lot of money
on to make themselves look and feel good. I also wanted to make it fun and silly because beauty can be taken far too seriously.

7. I have the right to do as many or as little posts as I like. Taunting
me because I used to do it daily is an exercise in both stupidity and
futility. If you’re feeling ripped off because my posts have slowed up
you should probably head to the land of Perez Hilton where your
appetite for 6578 posts a day will be satisfied.

8. I can refer metaphorically to the fact groupies are attracted to footballers should I choose to. Because they are. That’s why they’re called groupies. Amazingly, this same breed of devoted fan also exists in the music, surfing, basketball, pro-knitting and acting arenas.

9. I can choose to delete comments whenever I want to. In fact, I can choose to disable comments altogether, or ban certain people from commenting. (It may interest you to know that most bloggers approve all comments before they let them go live.) I very, very rarely do, however, because I like fruity to be a democratic environment, and while I would have to say I find it hard to believe anything I write here is deserving of a serve, (unless a taupe eyeshadow brutally broke your heart, or a barrel brush once set your car on fire) I see that this freedom of expression is currently being abused. That the virtual rotten fruit storm is being orchestrated by people who as far as I know do not own a blog, (making them unqualified to be languorously judging not only my blog, but me personally) makes it a somewhat uneven playing surface in that I can’t tiptoe over to their blog and write ur blog sux n u r a ttl lozer!!!! under one of their posts.

10. I can choose to be offended when people get on here, people who can’t even spell, and diss the fruitshop. Or, I can simply choose to write a post reminding them of what – and indeed who – it is exactly they are spitting venom at so that they understand that they have completely missed the point of a blog that was created out of love and not for any kind of gain, and then send them love, because it is sad that I am kicking so much ass, and they are not.

11. I can elect to hold my knife in either hand when I eat, because I am ambidextrous with my cutlery.

You probably know these, but after wearing a spectacularly outrageous but simultaneously very chic Red Lip yesterday (it was Sisley Hydrating Long Lasting Lipstick in L25) , I was quickly forced to quickly remember the Rules for The Lips That Are Red, and thought, golly, I’m glad I know what to do here or I could be in real trouble.

1. Invest in a reverse liner, which is clear, and which you outline your
lips with to stop your spectacular red lipstick running and bleeding
and stuff. It’s genius. DuWop and Sally Hansen do them, cause they be smart.

1.5. If you own a lip liner, now is when you would shade in the lips in a shade similar to the red you are wearing, or even a nude shade. You may even like to pat some concealer on, if you are liner-less, and you wish for your red lip to stay put.

2. Use a lip brush, not the stick. The stick itself is for out-and-about touch-ups only. Brush give you precision and long lastiness.

3. After doing one full layer, blot with tissue. Now paint again.

4. Stick your index finger in your gob, and slowly remove. See how it takes excess lipstick! See how your teeth are saved from lipstick smears! See how you really really need a tissue to clean that mess on your finger up!

5. Before taking a sip from a glass, discreetly lick it so your spectacular lipstick doesn’t stick to the rim of the glass and make you – and it – look all nasty like it’s been drunk by that secretary that used to work for your dad who always had bad breath and bunions.

6. Take a mirror with you, and check your teeth and lips constantly. Red lipstick is attracted to teeth like groupies to footballers.

7. There actually is no point seven. But there was a 1.5, so maybe there’s seven after all…

*Cue one eyebrow up and spooky music.*

Fruits, do you know how sometimes you get into a makeup trend, and that’s all you do, every day, until you forget what you used to do pre-trend?

I do.

Most recently, my makeup trend was MAC bronzed cheeks and a swish of Clinique chocolate shadow and NARS nude gloss. Boring as. (Well to me, now.)

Before that, a slick of green Erica F lancome shadow used as liner, MAC bronzer and clear Arden gloss. Meh.

Before that, as you all know, it was the Tom Ford Azuree bronzed face, Laura Mercier tangerine coral lip thing I did pretty much all winter. Fun, but just like owning too many pairs of Balenciaga heels*, it gets boring after a while.

And so, last week, sensing i was failing to live  up to the expectation of  beauty editor, I shook off my boring makeup husk, and embraced newness once more. And gosh balls, do I recommend it.

The first look i dabbled with was Ultimate Barbie; Lancome lilac shadow along the lash line, MAC pink/shimmery Mineralize blush (a lot of MAC pink/shimmery Mineralize blush) on the apples of the cheeks, and some MAC Barbie gloss. I got a few ‘I like your makeup today’ from non beauty editors, and a few ‘Oooooh, look at frosty fruit and her fancy makeup’ from beauty editors. We’re allowed to give each other stick when we lash out; it’s the rule.

The next day, though, I think I found my new makeup trend. Estee Lauder navy-royal blue liner along the upper and under lids, smudged a little, and a lovely bronzey brown from Lancome on the eyeball. Mascara times 678, natural blush, nude opaque gloss and whammy – we’re in funtown.

It was pretty dramatic for daytime, I’ll be honest, but I was wearing my hair back and a high collar, making the makeup the absolute focus, so it was ok. (The less things fighting for attention around the face, the better.)

Anyway. Point: Why not break your makeup trend today? Add some liner. Subtract some liner. Leave the bronzer off. Add some bronzer. Switch gloss for lipstick, or just another shade of gloss. Just do something.

Life’s too short and too serious to not play around with makeup, fruits.
Just ask Amy Winehouse.

*Not something I would know about. Yet.

It’s a Bert update.
He’s a big, fat, flat-faced ball of love and I can’t believe I bothered existing without him.

(His full name is Meowbert, for the record, but people tend to Not Get That, which is why I usually just refer to him as Bert. For another record – and I hope you’re a record collector – The Boyfriend named him.)

Meowbert chillin’ with his Missoni cushion.
(No, I am not commissioned by them to viral PR, I promise.)

Meowbert ‘cleaning up’

Meowbert giving his mama some love.

Meowbert really, really thrilled about being washed and looking
like a small rat with an over-developed hair hormone.

Meowbert watching me blog about… Meowbert.
(Oooh, how self-referential.)

NB: Meowbert gave full permission for use these images to be used in this manner.

Remember this post? 

It’s all about my adoration for Missoni, and their new fragrance Acqua, which has JUST launched.

One cool thing about that post:

The Missoni people in ‘Straya sent the link to the Missoni people in NYC, who sent it to the Missoni people in Italy, i.e., Angela Missoni, who liked one of the photos I’d used in my post so much, she asked the Missoni people in NYC to find out where I got it, so she could buy it. Bottom line: Angela Missoni read fruitybeauty.

Another cool thing:

The Missoni people in ‘Straya were a little bit chuffed with my Missoni obsession, and gave me FIVE BOTTLES OF THEIR BEAUTIFUL NEW FRAGRANCE, MISSONI ACQUA, as well as ONE, BIG, FAT, BEAUTIFUL MISSONI BEACH TOWEL to give away.

So, there’ll be four prizes of the lush new juice…

…and one MEGA, SUPER prize of the juice and the beach towel. And let me tell you, I own one of these towels, and when you strut to the beach with it gently resting on your shoulders, you’re pretty much the most fun, (and most designer) cat to hit the sand.

How you can win:

First, you must be a subscriber. Second, post a comment below describing (in less than 25 words, and I’ll be counting) the best compliment someone could possibly give you regarding your delicious new Missoni perfume.

The best answer will win the best prize, and the following four will win the penultimate prizes.

Because of the efficiency and professionalism of the Missoni people in Straya, the competition ends this Friday at 12 noon, so that the goods can be sent out on Friday afternoon. How. Good. Is That. Start your engines Fruits…

NB: I am not judging this competition, the Missoni fruits are. But they’re a funny lot; they get my humour, so keep on truckin’ you funny little fruitbats.