I am a ginormous fan of fringes. I will never have one, obviously, because I was “blessed” with 567 cowlicks (who lets a cow lick their baby anyway?) and curls, which makes a fringe about as feasible as a saddle on a snake.

HOWEVER.

This doesn’t mean I won’t fake one if possible. And now that I have hair that is all one length, save for a few shorter, razor-cut layers around the face for softness and interest, I am more able to fake a fringe than ever, because the rest of my hair is so bluntly cut that the fringe actually looks like it might genuinely exist. (You know, because people with blunt cut hair so often have fringes. Or something.)

But anyone can get a fake fringe, really. And! They are EASY to do. If your hair is out, and you have some hands to do the part and tuck the hair, you can get the look in around 34 seconds. (I show you a bit more of a thorough technique below.)

And for those who care? A fake fringe is very cool and popular right now and a lot of the saucy young catwalk stompers had them at the shows back in March, so that definitely means they are “in.” AND YOU HAVE ANOTHER THING COMING IF YOU THINK I WILL ENTHUSE YOU TO DO SOMETHING THAT IS OUT.

Anyway! Why don’t you try it?

Here’s how I did mine:

1. I started with dry hair that had some texture. If you do not have texture, please get some with some sea salt spray/texture spray and a high heat blast of hair dryer for 30 seconds. It really is marvelous for lasting style power and will give better grip for your “fringe.”

2. I created a deep side part in the front half of my head, (roughly above the middle of my left eye ball) which is crucial for the look.

3. Keeping this part intact, I took a medium sized barrel brush and my hair dryer, and brushed and styled the entire front section (“fringe”) of my hair forward, down over my face a few times.

3. Then I pulled the hair to the left of my face for a few brushes/blows/15 seconds.

4. Ditto on the right.

5. The idea being the front of my hair was being styled and set into being down low over my forehead so it would look authentic and stay put.

6. I thenlightly brushed this front section down LOW over my forehead and tucked it behind my (right) ear. You can bobby pin this into place if you need to, but I had enough length/texture not to have to.

7. I pulled the bulk of my hair forward on both sides, especially on the right to cover the ear and the tucked “fringe.”

8. A light mist of hair spray over the fringe and hair and I was done, done, done, finished. See?

It felt fresh and exciting to have this part and hair again, a look that I probably haven’t sassed since about 1962, being too far preoccupied with centre parts, or -hang-over-the-eye side parts and Lego to give it much thought.

Copywriter: What if we went with…I dunno… “Spread those sexy lips?”

Vbeaute drongos: OHMYGOD IT’S PERFECT I SEE IT ON BUS SHELTERS AND BILLBOARDS EVERYWHERE WRITE IT DOWN WRITE IT DOWN NOW AND LOCK IT IN FOREVER BECAUSE IT IS LITERALLY THE MOST PERFECT LIP GLOSS SLOGAN IN THE WORLD I CANNOT BELIEVE NO ONE HAS USED IT UNTIL NOW THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

Like most of you, I have hair on my head and tap shoes on my feet.

It is healthy but naughty hair: fine, curly, cow-licky. It demands much styling and effort to look good. I constantly implement new tricks or maintain strict old habits to keep this to an absolute minimum, because while good hair is certainly something I like to have, the amount of time I am willing to dedicate to it is minimal. In fact, I am a fan of the “set” – washing hair, then spending half an hour using several different products and styling tools to ensure everything looks terrific, then enjoying the pay-off for 3-4 days. I think it’s smarter than every day spending 13 minutes doing your hair*, but what would I know, besides your bra size and my 5x tables.

Speaking of bananas, here are some of my top hair don’ts:

1. DON’T SCRUB WET HAIR WITH YOUR TOWEL.

This is a classic Mum Used to Do It When I Was Little So I Still Do It, error. This does terrible things for your eventual hair style, especially if you have curly or frizzy hair. Instead, pat it dry with the towel so you don’t mess up the cuticle and get all the split ends partying.

The (hand towel size) Manicare Supa Dry towel is a KING. Dries hair 4x faster than normal towel. Glorious.

2. DON’T WASH YOUR HAIR EVERY DAY.

The hair likes and needs its oils. And overwashing can make the whole thing worse, just like overwashing the skin can enthuse more pimples/oil. A lot of the time very fine haired dames can get another day from their hair by not using conditioner at all, or using a lihgtweight spray one only on the very ends, using dry shampoo all over the scalp and blow-drying through, or taking the time to properly and thoroughly dry and style the hair when they wash it. Hair gets lank faster when it’s permitted to air dry because you aren’t extracting all moisture from it. Also, use a thermal/ceramic barrel brush which will make drying 50% faster.

A spray conditioner on the ends (like Schwarzkopf Seah Mineral Spritz Conditioning Spray Fine) is much better then using traditional wash in-out conditoner for fine haired dames.

3.  DON’T GIVE UP IF HAIR IS BEING FLAT AND NAUGHTY.

Do a Refresh Texture Blast! This is easily achieved by spraying sea salt spray all ove rthe hair, roots to tips, then BLASTING your hair dryer on high heat all over with your head flipped upside down for 30-60 seconds. You will have excellent grip and volume now, and can easily create a textured updo or pony. Trust me.

O&M Surf Bomb is the perfect tool for the tip above.

4. DON’T SKIP PRODUCTS AT THE WET HAIR STAGE

Because g-dammit guys, this is the stage that counts. This is where you create body and volume (mousse or root lift or all over thickening spray) or smoothness (blow dry cream) or curls (curling balm) or flexible nourishment (hair oils). What you put on your hair at the DRY hair stage is a very different bunch of coconuts, and is more about finishing touches like texture and polish. But the wet hair stage? That’s where you create the scaffolding of your hair style, and give it the power to last and have hold and do what you want it to do.

Bumble’s thickening spray – used on wet hair and blow-dried through – is renown for giving marvellous texture and lift all over.

5. DON’T LET YOUR HAIRDRESSER CHOOSE YOUR HAIRSTYLE.

Do they know the hair? Do they wake up with it every day? Do they know how it behaves in humidity? With hard water? After a mask? Do they know the dolphin? Does it call them at home? (Just for the Ace Ventura fans.) NO. And while they can certainly consult you, and advise what would look great on you, or suit your face shape, ultimately YOU need to be the one who makes the call about what’s happening in that chair. Because the right cut can make life easy, and the wrong one can make it hell.

Cute/arrogant example: I have fine and curly hair, so layers are not great. They make my hair look thin and give a Christmas tree look. So I get my hair cut all one length with a few gentle layers around the face to prevent boredom and give more versatility/softness to the face, which I ask to be dry cut, so that the cutter can see my texture and length when the hair is dry, not when its wet and ridiculous.

Yes, I am a lot of fun to have in the chair, why do you ask?

*The average amount of time we spend doing it according to a new study by Pantene which also found that 91% of us believe a person’s hair is a key element to their sex appeal. Study did not reveal effect of Croc wearing and sex appeal but I assume it was in the negative.

Unfurl the sails, polish your pegleg and adjust ye eyepatches, for ’tis time for part two of Priceline’s best makeup sellers from the past 12 months!

(Part one is here.)

BLUSH: Models Prefer Blush in Desk to Date

Ah yes, the $10 princess of Priceline. Model’s Prefer is unique to Priceline and seems to be doing AOK as this exposes. This corally-goldy-pink, (slightly shimmery, (could possibly be a little too glitzy for some daytime wearers) and very highly-pigmented (be sure to TAP OFF your brush before applying to face) blush gives a terrific burst of cheek fun.

MASCARA: Max Factor False Lash Mascara in Blackest Black

If you are the kind of dame who likes limp, thin lashes you will fucking hate this so hard. Because it gives TREMENDOUS volume and lots of thickness and length, and while I am a strict tubular mascara fan during the day, I love cracking this mascara (or CoverGirl Clump Crusher) out at night.

LIPSTICK: Rimmel Lasting Finish by Kate Moss in Coralicious

FINALLY the coral-orange lipstick thing I have been banging on about for years is starting to really sink in. Well it must be if the number one lipstick is a coral. Come on. Just agree with me, it will be easier. This is more of a red-coral than a peach-coral which actually makes it more flattering/wearable for more women,  which is nice. Not drying, either.

LIPGLOSS: Revlon Just Bitten Kissable Balm Stain in Honey

I make it no secret these are some of my favourite lip colours. Generally have two in my bag at any one time (speaking of coral which I was just above, my favourite orange colour of these is now in Australia – Rendezvous). This shade, Honey was the best seller by far when I did the events last year with Revlon and why? Because it’s a very lovely, flattering, safe dusky rose pink. Lovely as a blush, too.

NAIL POLISH: Rimmel 60 Seconds Nail Enamel in Black Out

If you’re anything like me (wide, four wheels, red paint) you are nosy and curious about what other people like. At cafes I ask what the most popular dishes are, and at gelato shops the most famous flavour, and in foreign countries I need to go to the most popular restaurant. I even ask my hairdresser which hair cuts and colours are most popular at the present, not because I want them, but because I am annoying.

So, I’ve decided to ask beauty brands and retailers what their best-sellers are. Partly because of aforementioned nosiness, but also because I am fascinated as to what you rascals spend your money on. Oh sure, I can sit here on my camel and tell you what to use and buy, but you will of course do precisely as you please when it comes to what you like and need and what interests you enough to spend your lollies on.

I’m starting with Priceline, because they are a terrific indicator of the General Population: we all shop there.

These are the makeup products that smoked their cash registers for the past 12 months, but I’m guessing you already know this, cause you contributed to it, you spendy little squids.

Here is part one:

FOUNDATION: Nude By Nature Mineral Cover in Medium 

My word! And here I was thinking mineral foundation had enjoyed its moment in the sun. Not even nearly. My niece uses this and claims it “covers everything” perfectly without looking too makeuppy. I’m a diehard liquid foundation fan (Nude also do one of those) so have never tried this.

PRIMER:  L’Oreal Base Magique Smooth Primer

I know and like this one. Little bit goes a long way, pores look smaller, makeup stays put, the use of silicon makes it glide on like velvet and fine lines are nicely filled in before you splunk on your foundation.

CONCEALER: Maybelline Concealer Cover Stick in Medium

Still going! I was using this in high school. A classic concealerwith a waxy base ideal for concealing pimples, the scars thereof and redness. Not for use under the eyes – you need something creamy there as the skin is basically oil-free and needs all the moisture it can get.

BRONZER: Rimmel Sun Shimmer Bronzer in Sun Bronze

Another classic, faintly luminous, and with a very fine powder for a sink-into-the-skin finish, (not to mention the <$20 price tag) I get why this one is still smashing it. Apply lightly, is the key. You should never be able to see bronzer… you just look …healthy… a bit tan. Glowing.

EYELINER:  Maybelline Master Precise Liner in Black

Well I am impressed. Thin-nibbed liners are not the easiest thing to get used to, and even uneasier to remove if you make a mistake, but clearly you guys have managed it, because of all the liners – gel, pot, kolh, pencil – this is your favourite. So well done. Now let’s all wear winged liner to celebrate.

Do you buy these things?

Check your handbag, you might.

Part two in a couple of days. Til then, behave and NO PULLING YOUR SISTER’S HAIR.