I’ve written/sooked before in my Sunday Style column about how people who say, “This is the world’s best burger” are dinguses, because they have not tried every burger in the world, and therefore their opinion is not actually qualified.

So let’s all agree to just say things like, “This burger sure is tasty!” and “Wow! This burger is the best I personally have ever tried!” and “Gosh this burger tastes wonderful, a fact which I’m sure you would agree should you ever sample one of the same!” so that we don’t fall into the very modern dilemma of unsubstantiated hyperbole.

Now, onto great burgers in Melbourne. A subject I never tire of, and nor do my greedy little tastebuds.

I’m not sure if you noticed, but last week those cheeky In-N-Out bastards (In-N-Out, for those unaware, is only available in the USA. Their wares are delicious. Make sure you try said wares when next you’re there. LA is your best chance) did a pop-up for three stupid hours in Melbourne with no warning so pigs like me couldn’t plan and line up like a grease-desperate d-bag. They pulled the same shit in Sydney in 2012. We can only hope these frustrating litmus tests are occurring to ascertain whether they should open a store here permanently. Here’s the answer to that, In-N-Out: Yes. Yes you should.

Shake Shack, who make my absolute favourite burger, have never done pop-ups in Australia, and probably never will. But that’s fine by because it’s a special treat when in NYC, and in a world where everything is rapidly homogenising (we now have Zara, Topshop, Uniqlo and H&M here, something I thought I always wanted, but actually don’t because now shopping overseas is that little bit less special…. that said COS is opening and I fucking LOVE COS, and this makes me take everything I just wrote back.)

Shake Shack, you glorious bastards.

Also last week, Broadsheet, that gorgeous bible of tasty eats, published their best burgers in Melbourne list. (Here’s their Sydney one for the NSW cats. My favourite up there is the cheeseburger at The Fish Shop on Potts Point, which used to be on the Lotus menu and which they smartly retained despite changing cuisines and restaurants altogether.)

I don’t agree with some of Broadsheet’s choices, but I REALLY agree with Le Bon Ton’s wagyu burger being on there, which my piggy of a husband and I discovered and subsequently moosed down last week because we felt we deserved a treat since we hadn’t slept for about a month due to our son insisting on having “teeth.”

Le Bon Ton’s masterpiece.
(Pic from The Burger Adventure a site I, as a burger rat, like to visit.)

Le Bon Ton’s is my new most loved Melbourne burger, an honour previously held by Belles Diner in Fitzroy, which no longer exists, because it’s now Belles Hot Chicken.

Try it if you can.

Also try unicycling if you can, but don’t be afraid to give up if it’s too hard.