High heels can mess your feet up, you know.

I certainly know, after three weeks of insane amounts of high heel wearing and all-day standing, because the back of my left heel hurt like no-one's business, except for mine and eventually, today my chiropractor (well, 'a chiropractor' – it's the first time I've ever met seen him, and to be fair, I don't actually own him).

It was swollen, and sore, and made wearing anything that covered that area unfun/extremely painful/void. I figured it was from one of my shoes messing it up, or a chipped bone, and ignored it ike any normal ignoramus, until on the weekend when the pain really unleashed, and I self-diagnosed on Google that it was achilles tendonitis and I would probably never walk again.

Cut to the chiro, who informed me very quickly that I was a deformed haggler.

I spat on him and left immediately, obviously. Just because I have bumps on the back of my heel does not mean I am a deformed haggler. I mean, I don't even have any warts on my nose anymore, and hardly ever wear my rags these days.

Hilarity aside, it's actually called 'Haglund's Deformity' but I still lovingly call it Haggler's Deformity because I am five and it's funnier. It's also referred to as pump bump, because women who wear high-heeled 'pumps' often get this problem. Also, as a manic treadmill runner I was in big trouble. Apparentely running on treadmills is The Worst Thing Ever for you.Who knew?! Switch to the elliptical or jazzercise instead.

Sadly, this heel bump biz is not nearly as ignorable and cute as bunions, because if you don't sort these heel bumps out, you are at risk of bursitis and even achillies tendonitis, which you do NOT want, because you won't be able to walk, let alone walk in heels, and you will become very shitty about life for a time.

So today he pushed and massaged the shit out of my heel and foot and calf, and it hurt, and then he told me to do calf raises three times a day, and ice it, and THEN told me not to sleep the way I do, because I sleep on my side like a cute unborn baby, and my foot is in a position that mimics wearing heels, which is cleary no go. I told him to stop peering through my windows as I slept, and we're even.

He also put some cool tape on my foot which made it look like it was nuclear waste. Kind of like the adult version of a Simpsons bandaid, I guess.


So, my advice is: if you have pain and lumps on the back of you heels, get that shit checked out. I know this is not much of a beauty post, more of an ugly post, but that's how I roll. (My ankle.)

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