Category: Category defying


I’m giving you the finger.

… To test your lipstick on, that is.
(What did you think I meant, you  devilish little Leprechauns!)

So Mum and I had lunch on Saturday (Bento box and a lovely glass of sav blanc) and of course, she is wearing lipstick. I give mum a loooot of lipsticks. She likes lipstick, you see, and I have plenty of them, so it’s a totally awesome relationship. The one she was wearing, she said, (more orange than an overripe mango; less orange than an…. orange ) looked different when she tried it on her wrist, to when she put it on her lips. It was aggressively darker, she said. That happens alot, she said. Annoying, she said.

I said, Mum. That’s because your wrist is about as similar in texture and colour to your lips as a praying mantis is to a DVD player. You should test potential lip colours on the pad of your fingertip. (Or thumbtip, no discrimination here.) They are very similar in texture and colour, your lips and your finger pads and so it is a far more accurate testing ground, I said.

Wow,  she said. How about that!
How about that indeed, I said.


Bonus non-story inclusion: My favourite lipstick is STILL Laura Mercier in Tangerine. Add an almost ridiculous amount of bronzer (CCs fruits, don’t forget the CCs) and you look so fresh and wide awake and white-eyed and neon-toothed and superholidayfreakyrelaxed, it’s criminal.

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The Unlikely Beauty Inspiration of the week award goes to…

‘Sure I’m toothless and and higher than Britney, but I’m Karl Lagerfeld’s muse so bite me ‘, Wiiiiinehouse!



Amy wins this weeks UBI award for her effort at Nod to Fifties Housewife Glamour, complete with masterfully twisted and tied headscarf and rolled back, quiffy, pinned-under fringe. Recently popularised by one Christina ‘I Am Probably Having a C-Section This Very Moment’ Aguilera in her candyman filmclip, Amy looks the most groomed we’ve seen her since approximately 1964.


Judges were also impressed with Amy’s Exceptionally Rapid and Almost Convincing Hair Colour Change, however the slight tinge of orange and the fact that the headscarf could actually be hiding a Very Very Bad Dye Job lost her some marks.


But in all, a convincing win.
Congratulations, Amy, congratulations.

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Sunscreen strata and one splendid suncare stick

My friend, code name Bernie, text me about this while I was splashing about in the sideways rain at Byron bay over my New Years break. Thanks for that, cyclone. You’re awesome.

She was a little confused, you see, about which order summer skin care goes. Does the sunscreen or sunblock go under your face cream, or over? And I thought what a great question, Bernie, that deserves fruitification.

The answer of course fruits, is on top of your face cream. Sun protection, (30 plus and protecting you against both UVA [ageing] and UVB [burning], please) should be the last thing you put on your face (before makeup, of course.)

So, ideally you would apply your serum (treatment product), your moisturiser (hydration, antioxidants etc), your sunblock/sunscreen/zinc, and then (your primer if you wear one) and then your makeup.

Of course, you could make life easy and combine your daily moisturiser with your high protection sunblock, which Kit, Mecca, Ultraceuticals, True Solutions, Skincueticals, Invisible Zinc, Clinique and a whole host of other skincare brands will happily allow you to do, provided you hand over some clams for their goodies.

Another way to simplify in summer, (and my GOD I love this product, it’s my summer staple three years running and is so teeny you can take it everywhere, even in that silly coin purse thing you use over summer because your work handbag is monstrously oversized) is to combine your high protection with your foundation, as per Shiseido’s sun protection stick foundation. (Shiseido are renown for their excellence in sun care.)

It’s this teeny little foundation stick full of 30 plusness and broad spectrumness that is waterproof, sweat proof and gives awesome, natural dewy coverage (you just draw on some lines then blend in with fingers), conceals spots (even red, fresh or naughtily picked-at ones) and undereye circles better than pretty much any concealer I’ve tried and is just superb for the beach or the bar or bowling or bungee jumping.

There are a few different shades (I use Ochre) and look, I could go on but the point is that I. Love. It. Much and you might too.


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Marinating Mangoes – it’s Christmas!


From "all of us" here at Fruitybeauty, may each and every fruit enjoy a happy, peaceful, relaxing, genuinely enjoyable Christmas break, and the kind of dizzyingly wonderful year that makes you melt with joy, satisfaction and fulfillment this time next year.

Before I go wrap 6, 345 presents, may I suggest you don a lovely frock and some fetching red lipstick (Festive Chic) on Baby Jesus’ Day of Days?

I love to do this. Any dress will do, it’s the lipstick that counts because it says, "I made an effort for my family whom I love very much and who will probably enjoy my gifts more than anyone else’s". (Plus, you know there’s going to be many a freshly-unwrapped Canon preying on you as you tuck into Nanna Shirley’s liquor-soaked pudding, so you may as well look back on the photos fondly.)

And don’t give me that ‘No one else dresses up at our place,’ business. Just because your Uncle Terry wears an eight day-growth, a Slazenger polo, double pluggers and Hot Tuna boardshorts he was given by his ex-wife Lynette – who ran off with that creepy guy who owned the newsagency – in 1993, that doesn’t mean you can’t look utterly exceptional.

All the very best, fruits.


Beauty Claus.



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Apply your bronzer like this. Go on. It’ll be fun.


Q: Let me guess, you’re about to post a bronzer tip?
A: Wow, you’re, like, really smart and stuff.

Q: Will some fruits already have read this tip on your work blog?
A: Most likely.

Q: Then why post it here? Lazy? Running out of material?
A: Tough crowd. I’ll post it here because it’s too excellent to not have everyone one know it, do it and love it.

Q: Big call. What you got?
A: A pretty amazing bronzer trick, is what I got. Which is more than I can say for you, and your nasty little questions.

Q: Whatever. Start tricking and tipping, sister.
A: Okay.  So. It’s a leetle bit hard to articulate, as in Very Very Hard, but after my under-eye illuminator triangle, this is probably my Best Tip Ever. I was graciously given it by a Chanel makeup artist, Anthony Adams, and it goes a little something like this…

Continue Reading..

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Orange is a fruit. Not a skin colour.

I know I am always saying ‘This self tanner is the best’ or ‘This gradual tanner is the best’ or ‘My back hurts when I wear that fricken strapless bra’ but when I was asked at a Hen’s the other night (if anyone was unsure of how to get spectacularly drunk, I think I may have figured it out) ‘Which is the best self tan?,’ which is one of the questions I am asked most, the fact that I did not even think twice tells me I may have finally figured out the self tanner I believe to be the best. (At this point in time anyway… maybe we have a new answer next week.)

It’s Ella Bache Great Tan Without Sun!


It goes on a lovely natural looking brown, (so you have this lovely, genuine-y colour immediately) dries a lovely natural looking brown and the closest you’ll get to orange with this stuff is if you decide to eat some paw paw as you wait for it to dry.

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I was so lying about it being 2.5 cm.

As you can see from this visual of the illuminator tip posted below (for those who asked for it, and rightly so, for she’s a tricky one) it’s actually more like 1.5 cm. And make sure you blend up into the dark circles as well as to the sides of your triangle.


Image shown is a dramatic re-enactment. No animals were hurt during the filming of this dramatic re-enactment. This dramatic re-enactment should not be tried unless under adult supervision, or over concealer.

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Definitely Excellent Under The Eye Makeup Trickery


I learnt this tip from Brooksy, (who learnt it from a makeup artist) who is a beauty maven at Another Magazine.

She was blown away by its very amazing effect.
As was I.
As will you be.

Ok, so you know how you apply your under eye illuminator under your eye* in a line and then pat it in til its all gone? Much the same way you do concealer?

There is a much, much better way to brighten the eye area.

Try this: Instead of doing a straight line, just under and parallel to your lower lash line, draw the outline of an upside down triangle. (And always use more than you think of this stuff; it’s thin. Makeup artists always pile it on.) Just draw the outline, don’t fill it in.  So you make the base of the triangle  (i.e the non pointy bit) parallel to your lash line, around 1 cm down from your eye, and then point the triangle down towards your jaw. (Each side of the triangle should be around 2.5 cm long, I’d say.) Now, pat it in with a dabbing motion from your middle finger til it’s all gone.

What you’ve just done: Is brighten the whole eye area. See, our natural dark spot under the eye isn’t a straight line. The eye socket is kind of a long oval-circle type shape. So by dabbing in illuminator in over that whole area, you’re throwing light on the whole area, instead of just doing the top third of it. The makeup artist who shared the tip said you can tell when people do it the ‘old’ way, because they get that kind of panda look; they have two obvious white lines around the eyes, but then there’s this obvious cut-off point. Whereas with this technique, you’ve blended down far enough that it’s totally seamless.

Oh look, it’s hard to articulate, but it gives a truly unreal effect. Your whole face looks fresher. You’ll see.

*One thing people get VERY WRONG about Touche Eclat and other such illuminators: They are not concealers. You have to conceal first, then use these guys. All they do is brighten.

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Because there is a much, much easier way to remove that kohl

Things I will be mentioning in this post:

That eye makeup remover pads should be in your life. I like the Almay ones. Make sure you don’t buy the oily ones; the oil gets in your eyes and it’s annoying. Stay oil-free. You buy them from Priceline, and they are little round cottony pads doused in remover and they come in a little purple tub, and they will decrease your eye makeup removal time and energy by up to 675%. I have been using them for around two years, and as someone who often wears Too Much Eye Makeup Because It Is Fun and Also Her Job Kind Of, they are marvelous for removing stubborn eyeliner and smoky-eye-ness and that thing I tried to pull off with my Napoleon loose dust that I saw in Nylon magazine where the girl had red glitter everywhere, except that it looked rad on her, probably because she is a model and a makeup artist did hers. All you do is press the pad on your eye for ten seconds and then gently wipe. It’ll take a few wipes, (BE GENTLE, PLEASE, UNLIKE THIS CAPS LOCK) but it’ll all go, and then when you wash your face, the sneaky bits of leftover mascara and liner will even be forced to shove off, and then all you are left with are your pretty, clean little eyes, and not some wild-tramp-with-far-too-much-eyeliner-that-has-smudged-everywhere, eyes. (Who invited her, anyway?)

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It seems some of you have lost the plot.

So allow me to locate it for you.

1. First things first. Thank you for stopping by. Really. And, I want it known that I appreciate all of the lovely, exuberant, grateful feedback I receive almost daily. I consider myself extremely lucky because it is a glorious thing to know what you are doing is appreciated and enjoyed. So thank you, sweet fruits. You’re very kind. Now. As for the Other Ones.

2. I must remind everyone that this is my blog. I am the owner, manager, author, water boy and costume designer. I can write whatever I like, whenever I like. Because it’s my blog.

3. I actually pay money to have the luxury of writing fruitybeauty. (As for those ads you see? Big earners. Huge. Why, they must bring me in at least 45 US cents a month.)

4. Blogs are hard, work. I write fruity late at night, on planes, at internet cafes and before my porridge in the mornings, just so you can get your hit. I panic when I leave it more than two days and I haven’t been able to fully relax in over a year, because I have a small bloggy child who constantly needs feeding. Many start blogs and many give up for this very reason. One of my favourites, Letter to Marc Jacobs, died this very death.

5. I have a full-time job, I’m writing my second novel and I have a family, social circle, boyfriend, gym membership, cat, Bonsai and Backstreet Boys fan club membership, all of which also require time and energy.

6. I began fruitybeauty because I had a serious surplus of information on
makeup, skincare, hair and neon orange nail polish whizzing and
whirring around my head, and I thought, gosh, you know, I should
really share that information around, because I only get so much space
in The Magazine I Write For, and yet there is so much more stuff people
should know about the products and services they spend a lot of money
on to make themselves look and feel good. I also wanted to make it fun and silly because beauty can be taken far too seriously.

7. I have the right to do as many or as little posts as I like. Taunting
me because I used to do it daily is an exercise in both stupidity and
futility. If you’re feeling ripped off because my posts have slowed up
you should probably head to the land of Perez Hilton where your
appetite for 6578 posts a day will be satisfied.

8. I can refer metaphorically to the fact groupies are attracted to footballers should I choose to. Because they are. That’s why they’re called groupies. Amazingly, this same breed of devoted fan also exists in the music, surfing, basketball, pro-knitting and acting arenas.

9. I can choose to delete comments whenever I want to. In fact, I can choose to disable comments altogether, or ban certain people from commenting. (It may interest you to know that most bloggers approve all comments before they let them go live.) I very, very rarely do, however, because I like fruity to be a democratic environment, and while I would have to say I find it hard to believe anything I write here is deserving of a serve, (unless a taupe eyeshadow brutally broke your heart, or a barrel brush once set your car on fire) I see that this freedom of expression is currently being abused. That the virtual rotten fruit storm is being orchestrated by people who as far as I know do not own a blog, (making them unqualified to be languorously judging not only my blog, but me personally) makes it a somewhat uneven playing surface in that I can’t tiptoe over to their blog and write ur blog sux n u r a ttl lozer!!!! under one of their posts.

10. I can choose to be offended when people get on here, people who can’t even spell, and diss the fruitshop. Or, I can simply choose to write a post reminding them of what – and indeed who – it is exactly they are spitting venom at so that they understand that they have completely missed the point of a blog that was created out of love and not for any kind of gain, and then send them love, because it is sad that I am kicking so much ass, and they are not.

11. I can elect to hold my knife in either hand when I eat, because I am ambidextrous with my cutlery.


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