Category: Category defying

02
Jun

Ladystaches. Discuss.

Do you ever catch your face in a certain light and think, "Good GOD man!  I am the proprietor of a ladystache!"

I had one of those moments today. As usual I just altered the angle of my mirror and pretended it never happened.

Ladystaches of course, are those little faint moustaches we ladies get that kind of perch on the corner regions of our upper lip. They are not serious, nor are they something to get all obsessed about and start peering at your face in your compact at 45 degree angles in sunlight every chance you get and go create a blog called Ladystachette or anything wild like that. No, no, no. But if you are genuinely worried about it may I suggest not to pour hot liquefied wax on it, but rather you purchase a little home bleachy kit, like the ones our friend Andrea makes, and bleach your little ladystache until it’s all invisible like.

Trust me on the wax thing. *Whispered* I’ve seen what happens when girls wax their ‘stache; it grows back. In a kind of "more" way. Bleach better.

Moustachegirl

Donna knew the babies breath might
make her a laughing stock with her
big city friends, but in her heart
she knew she was going to be the most
beautiful bride there ever was, and that
was all there was to it.

Responses to this drivel: 27 Comments
27
May

Just pray the chemist is open later than 8pm.

I had a photo taken for a magazine last week*, and the night before I realised my hair was kind of red and faded and shit.

SO! What did I do?

Use a black or blue biro only, your time starts now.

I:

A. Shrugged and went back to my balloon shape-making.
B. Ducked up to the chemist on Bondi road and bought a Napro Live colour in an unassuming brown shade.
C. Made a mixture of crumbled brown mascara and water, and poured it through my hair.
D. Canceled the photo shoot and booked in a game of golf instead, seeing as though I’d already told my boss I’d be in late.

If you chose A you are correct. However, as the question was not: How do I respond to my flatmate telling me she has just sold all of my belongings so that could get a new spoiler, some subwoofers and a metallic ‘Violent Violet’ finish for her 1995 Excel, you’re in the wrong quiz.

The answer is of course B. Cause MAN, I’d forgotten how easy these little packets of brown goo were! Not wanting to disrupt my real Life Colourist’s work, I just left it in for five minutes, and that was enough for a refreshed colour and lots of shine.

Point: Cheap. Quick. Easy to find. Great for emergency weddings/dates/job interviews etc when you haven’t had time to get to your colourist for a semi, EVEN if you’re a totally sophisticated grown up and you don’t use Packet Hair Colour, thank you very much.


*The photo was for a little story on my novel, which I will joyously reveal to you is called Air Kisses, and is on sale June 30 and is about four women living in NYC, one who is a lawyer, one who is a PR mogul, one who works at an art gallery and one who is a sex columnist. It’s going to be unlike ANYTHING you’ve ever read or seen before.)

Oops

See? Just look how awesome and natural my new colour is.

Responses to this drivel: 20 Comments
14
May

Shops with Benefits.

Fun fact: Benefit opened their first Australian shop in oxford street Paddington last week. They were launching not only the store, but Posietint, which is the flirty little sister to their famous cheek and lip tint, Benetint. Posietint is a petal pink, sheer translucent gel that you blend into the apples of your cheeks for perhaps the cutest and most believable blush effect since a walk in the winter wind. And it stays put! Brilliant stuff. It sold out in Sephora REAL quick and is kind of the cosmetic version of Gossip Girl in terms of coolness right now. I love Posietint. Say hi, baby.

Posie

"Hi."

Fun lie: I sometimes speak to Katie Holmes on Skype.

Fun fact: They have a brow bar in this Benefit store, or rather a row of adorable little brow stations, and even though I am very very very very very very very very very fussy about my brows, I gave it a go and was very happy with the outcome.

Fun lie: All food consumed on road trips is fat, sugar and calorie void.

Fun fact:  When you are midway through getting your brows tinted, you look really, really fug.

Brows

 

Responses to this drivel: 13 Comments
09
May

Everyone should get the chance to be me.

So says Paris ‘Pazza’ Hilton, who has just "created the world’s hottest hair extensions" with Sally Beauty in the US. Curiously, this is her second shot at hair extensions, her first were called, don’t laugh, Dreamcatchers. (As opposed to drinkingstraw catchers, or lipgloss catchers, both of which are more appropriate.)

Paz’s hair extensions are fairly rudimentary looking to me, especially compared with some of the other clip-in extensions out there (Original Diva, Headline Hairpieces for a start) but, well, Paz says they’re hot, who’s to argue? (They cost $80 and they only come in one straight, 18cm length, so maybe someone disenchanted by those limitations might.)

Aside of the excellent opening copy on the website, and the criminal overuse of the word hot within said website, the thing that makes me strikes me as most amusing in this whole venture is that Paris’s extensions usually look, uh, kind of un-hot. She’s much cuter with short hair. Agree? See Visual aids for decision making assistance.

Paris

Visual Aid 1.0: Bad hair and Visible Extension Line. (EVL.)

Gallery_main0307_paris_hilton_chest


Visual Aid 2.0: Cute, chic hair.
(And the cool, coloured style of sunglasses we’ll all be wearing next summer.)

See, the key to extensions, I think, is to have them professionally fitted and cut so that they look foxy and thick and long, but most crucially, natural within the frame of your natural mop.

Incidentally, Jessica Simpson’s brand of clip-in extensions, Hair Do, offers roughly 675 more options and lengths and styles than Paris’s. Just saying.

Responses to this drivel: 11 Comments
06
May

The Smelly Girl Club.

As we all know, one isn’t a TRUE star until one has posed for an astronomically-priced photographer for a small bottle of scented liquid. This honour means you automatically become a member of the Smelly Girls Club, a kind of super elite club that’s almost as highly regarded as the backseat of a high school bus.

So! Let’s meet the new smelly girls!


Naomi

Naomi Watts has just been signed on as the face of Thierry Mugler’s Angel.
Old mate Mugler is renown for splendid campaigns, so I quite look
forward to seeing Wattsy in these ads. I personally smell like a small
child who has been rolling around in icing sugar when I wear Angel,
however, one of my friends wears it and it’s hot as on her. I much much
prefer his more recent scent, Alien.  It’s sexy and uniquey and
compliment getty.

  Erykahbaduphotographc12124745

Erykah Badu, probably one of my most adored singers, is set to be the
face of Tom Ford‘s new scent. (Hope she reads that contract properly,
Tom has quite the penchant for thighs and breasts and crotches in his
ads. See here and here for the smutty proof, but be warned, these ads are 100 per cent NSFW.)

Audrey

That delightful little pocket rocket, Audrey Tautou (Audrey Hepburn Version 2.0)  has just nicked Nicole Kidman’s Chanel No. 5 crown.
(Nicole probably knows where she lives, or has people that do, so, uh,
Audrey, you’d better watch your back.)


Ollove

Beryl Watson from Tasmania has been announced as the face of Prada‘s new fragrance, which is as yet unnamed.

Responses to this drivel: 18 Comments
30
Apr

The post that never ends.

Get this. Almay  just sent me over the entire collection of
their insanely appropriate Intense i-colors because they felt it would
be criminal for me not to see that everything I was saying, they had
already cottoned onto a long time back, and then had gone so far as to
create entire ‘eye colour complementing’ makeup ranges too. Each has a mascara, a shadow palette and a liquid liner.  And as they’re Almay, they’re hypoallergenic. (Contact kids? You’re good to go.)

See? Here they are. And here too. And they start at $16.95 and end at $18.95.   

Media_cardblackberrypicturesimg0005

I’ve laid them out for you guys in the respective eye colours (I failed to
mention hazel before. Sorry my hazely fruits. I mean no
discrimination) so that you can see that I was pretty much almost not lying in my previous post. I
think I may have mentioned this very clever range before, but it was
SILLY of me not to mention it in such a fitting post. I mean really. (One of you guys did though, well done.)

Probably the best part of the range? That the colours are all very wearable. No scary, I-can’t-possibly-wear-that-I"ll-look-like-a-tramp, shades, just lovely earthy, gentle tones for all ages and all fruits.

Oh! Look! Meowbert has arranged himself in a completely non-posed fashion that is both humorous and human-like!

Remote

Meowbert wasn’t sure if Spencer was telling the truth about that late night phone call. He sure hoped Heidi knew what she was doing…

Responses to this drivel: 12 Comments
29
Apr

As Paula Abdul and an animated cat once said: Opposites attract.

It would be remiss of me, after seeing the comments below, not to let you in on the best/most flattering/utterly subjective eye shadow to iris combinations.

I’ve heard mild variations from make up artists over the years, but generally, it goes a little something like this:

The Eye Shadow Tones That Will Make Your Eye Colour Scream With Beauty and Allure and the Deepest Most Lovely Possible Shade of Your Iris:

Blue eyes: Browns, coppers, golds.
Green eyes: Plums, purples, lilacs, lavenders.
Brown eyes: Deep cobalt blue, baby blue, aqua, emerald green.

But don’t think it needs to be a full eyelid of shadow. Oh gosh no. Even a swipe of coloured liner or mascara does the trick. Subtlety is always on the menu, fruits.

See Visual Aid for green eyes popping with purple shadow.

Rihanna1

And now for something completely different.

I have a new job! I am now the Editor in Chief of a definitely excellent beauty portal called Primped. (Primped.com.au). We launch in July. And suffice to say, if you love beauty, you will love it more than that moment when you FINALLY get to take off your high heels after standing/dancing/walking to McDonalds and then waiting for a taxi for 45 minutes.

Yes, leaving magazines/paper for online/computers was a big decision, but I figured someone had to begin implementing Lycra unitards and flying cars or we’ll never get there.

Responses to this drivel: 18 Comments
24
Apr

When celebrities disobey the rules of eye shadow.

Kristenbellbabymama04

I have a few comments on this image of Kristen Bell at the Baby Mama premiere.

1. I love Gossip Girl much. She narrates it. So, I pretty much love her too. (Not love love, xoxo love.)

2. She has some sweet-ass skin. Look at it! So luminous and glowy and plumpy! (Without a doubt the ‘After’ shot of a girl who has enjoyed a pre-red carpet facial within the last 10 hours.)

3. She is doing green on green. That is, green eyeshadow on green eyes. I am a fan of this, even though I know that really, the most flattering eye shadow shade is the opposite colour to your iris colour, not the identical one. (It also tends to be slightly more flattering when it’s matte and is teamed with rosy cheeks and a slight pink lip, all fun and Spring like. But big, polished thumbs up to her for experimenting.) If you extract the disco-y, shimmery elements of this creation, do you like it? Or, do you think she should’ve stuck to browns/charcoals (or even the lilacs as per the Iris Accentuation Guidelines.)

Update: The outfit. Which is, as one fruit said, very relevant. (And look! It’s green. Which prompts a whole new question: Is it right to match makeup to outfits in this manner? Or is it a little bit Miss Universe? I say it depends on how good you are at applying makeup…)

Kristenbellbabymama05

Responses to this drivel: No Comments
20
Apr

Insect legs in your sink.

If I find myself talking about A Product at a dinner party, then I know it’s good fodder for my fruits. And so, last week, as I was joyously slurping on some soup (Thai-style pumpkin featuring more Chili than TLC) I found myself discussing the merits of finding insect legs in your sink.

Explanation: Clinique’s new-ish Lash Power mascara.

Lpower

It was made for humid climates, you know, those places where your mascara runs all by itself, with no assistant from tears, sweat or flecks of rogue paper bark in your eye. Hot. Muggier than south central LA. Stickier than…. sticky tape.

Continue Reading..

Responses to this drivel: 30 Comments
07
Apr

Lily Allen goes blonde: Claims she’s now having more fun*

Lily

Little Lily’s dropped the dark mop and switched it up for a light, toffee-caramel blonde.

I don’t mind it, actually. It’s kind of believable. (And kind of impressive on the colourist’s behalf: going that dark to that blonde and making it look even remotely natural is an art, fruits. An ART.)

It’s more believable than this, anyway. (Which isn’t saying much as this is obviously pretty believable.)

Spearskudospix_300x350

*That’s a lie. I can’t back that up. Lily and I haven’t spoken in weeks.

Responses to this drivel: 17 Comments