As the proud/often annoyed owner of very curly fine hair that loves to frizz more than is considered the legal limit in three states, I am often asked, (in an unsually aggressive manner, to be honest): 'Fosters! How do you get your curls to behave and stuff?"

So, as I was doing my hair for a 75th at a Russian restaurant in Elsternwick on the weekend (DON'T JUDGE until you've been there and had 34 shots of straight vodka and the night of your g-dang life) I thought I would do a wee photo diary on how I styled my curls. And the rules of it. And explain how much quicker and easier it is than blow-drying. (Plus it was raining so why even entertain the idea of smooth, obedient hair? Roll with the wild, Brazilian '80s look, toots.)

And look, I don't want to start a passionate debate about curls V straight hair here, but I do always seem to get more hairpliments (hair compliments) when my hair is like this, so maybe, if you have curly hair, it's time to let it dance once more?

Here's how I do mine, in case you'd like to give it a go.

ONE:  DO NOT RUB WET HAIR WITH YOUR TOWEL AFTER WASHING IT.

Scrunch it gently with your towel to keep the shape of the curls intact, and not cause frizz/boof. Also, use something lovely and nourishing to wash it with so that it's already nice and hydrated and behavey. Please note the absence of a comb or brush at this, and any point.

TWO: APPLY A DOLLOP OF LEAVE-IN CONDITIONING BALM/ANTI-FRIZZ CREME/CURL BALM ALL OVER, EXCEPT THE ROOTS.

I used Pantene All-Day Smooth, (I also like ghd Obedience Cream) which is lovely and nourishing but marvelously lightweight. Also: CHEAP. Small pea amount on my fingers rubbed together, and then scrunched and rubbed all over the hair, except for the roots, because any product that close to the old oil-producer ("scalp") can lead to a lank, greasy look.

THREE: USING YOUR HAIR DRYER WITHOUT THE NOZZLE (OR EVEN BETTER, A DIFFUSER) DRY YOUR HAIR OFF.

Gently, on a low air and moderate heat, dry your curls. Do a lot of scrunching and coiling and twirling as you go to shape the curls. Be sure to flip your head upside its head (Snap lyric reference for those born in the '80s) a lot, and get the heat in there at the roots so as to create volume. Do this for at least five minutes, until the hair is at least 85-90% dry.

FOUR: YOU WILL NOTE IT IS A BIT BOOFY BUT THE DRY-OFF HAS DEFINITELY HELPED. DON'T SOOK. GO DO YOUR MAKEUP.

The curls are forming! They have been coated in something to stop the frizz, and heat dried to create shape, bounce and volume. Give them 10-15 minutes to understand all of this and do your mug/get dressed/eat some corn chips.

FIVE: HAIR WILL BE LOOKING A BIT BIGGER AND BETTER, CURLS ARE SETTLING IN NICE. BUT SOME OF THE ENDS ARE LOOKING SHIT AND LIMP AND FLYAWAY.

Usually, it will be on the ends, which if they are in bad shape because your hair used to be bleach blonde ("me") or you need a hair cut, will be a bit… uninspired. You don't need to stand for this. You don't need to stand for this!

SIX: TONG THEM! DO TIGHT, LOTS-OF-TENSION CURLS WITH A SMALL BARREL TONG WHERE YOUR HAIR NEEDS A BIG MORE BOUNCE AND CURL.

There is no need to go nuts, or even pumpkin seeds. Just do a few minutes worth of tonging here and there, (take the hair back off and away from your face; always position the tong cord in the air) which will help and encourage the rest of your curls to take shape around them. Don't shake them out yet, by the way. Let them cool as crazy tight ringlets, you can finger tousle them out in about 10 minutes, when you're out on the street cursing every motherdingin' taxi that won't stop. Also: Try not to burn yourself while taking photos for your blog.

SEVEN: DONE! (UH, EXCEPT FOR THE SHAKING IT OUT IN THE CAR WHEN THE CURLS ARE STONE COLD/HAVE SET.)

Well. Look at you. Thanks to a bit of clever drying and a few minutes tonging, your curls are looking good, it all blends in nicely, and you're just a babe with big, glorious, Aerobics instructor curls. I don't even finish with hair spray anymore, because it makes the curls too sticky and obvious, and I prefer a lived-in, soft curl. Also, the less product I use, the more days I can get out of my hair. (I'm on day four already, and after a touch of dry shampoo this morning, and am feeling pretty smug.)

Add large hoops and hot pink rollerskates at whim.

NB: I know this is a controversial area of hair styling, because every dame's curls behave in their own special ("frustrating") way, and I concede this might not work for you, but try it. Can't hurt, ay.

NAB: A bank.

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But also say you have no time for a thorough exfoliation and quick 10 minzo mask, which would make a walloping great difference, if I was to be honest about all of this.

So. Here's what I do: I mix in some lovely face oil with my foundation, and after mixing the two squirts of goo between my fingers nicely so they are relatively fond of each other, I apply it to my face using those very same fingers. I then take a foundation brush and paint on a touch more foundation where needed, which is amost definitely not around the crinkles/smile lines under the outer corner of my eyes, cause that's where all my dryness and thirstyness hang out playing Uno, so it's far better to keep the lush, dewy sheen caused by the addition of oil there instead. 

My products of choice for this face glowing recipe are Goe oil and MAC Face and Body foundation, although rosehip oil and any liquid foundation does the job real nice too.

Oily skinned dames may not want to do this trick for obvious reasons, (TOO! MUCH! SHEEEEEEEN!) but they still might want to mix in some moisturiser, primer or skin perfector/luminiser in with their foundation for some added glow, mightn't they.

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Ol mate Jude is the new face of Christian Dior men’s fragrance portfolio!

Oh, and Justin Timberlake? Guerlain.

Clive Owens is the face of Lancome homme EDP, obviously, and Pete Doherty is the spokesmodel for Revlon Charlie.*

I must admit I’m still getting used to this Perfume Man Face business. I don’t know why, obviously they’re Good Looking Famous People, and deserve a cosmetics contract just as much as the ladies, but I don’t know, in my mind when it comes to spokesmodels for fragrances, I still usually think, "Charlize, ok, Chloe Sevigny, you bet, Kate Moss, yep,  Nicole Kidman, mm-hmm, Scarlett, makes sense, Justin Timberlaaa… um… Oh look! Eyeliner. Eyeliner good. Use it. Use it some more. More!"

Who’ll be next? Orlando Bloom? Pete Wentz? Mr T? Zac Efron?

(That was kind of rhetoric and kind of conversational whitebait.)

*If you believe this, you are sillier than suede on a soaking wet day.

Gucci A/W 08

I love my hair parted in the middle best, right, cause it’s all pretty and fresh and so now, but unfortunately for my current visual preference, my hair likes to not be parted in the middle best.

If my hair had its way, it would have the hair around my hairline pointing entirely vertically, or perhaps flat over my eyes, or maybe just shit and stupid and nothing and dumb and curly and flat-looking, like it does when the STUPID humidity in this RIDICULOUS city envelopes it right when it’s not supposed to, like this morning, for instance, when I was having my author’s photo taken for the jacket of my novel.*

But here’s how I saved the day (Superman would be so pissed I use that term so frivolously when he literally does save the day) when my fringey bits were starting to curl and go stupid. (Technical term: Bad Hair Day; often caused by too much product, no product, or the wrong product.) With no hair tools or product at hand, in a park, with slight drizzle. I simply flipped my part over to the irregular side of my forehead, that is, the side I never, ever part it, because it looks wrong and is going against roughly 456 cowlicks and some very aggressive curls, and held it there for as long as possible. Then, I shook out my hair, parted it in the middle, and it lo and behold, it behaved. It always does, when I do this. Whether I’m at my desk or getting ready to go out or playing a little banjo on the porch,  the reverse part move is a splendid little trick for those with curls or cowlicks or both, who have a love affair with the centre part.

* More, so much more, on this later. For now, all I will say is that it’s out June 30, and that it’s probably going to be the best book you’ve ever read in your whole entire life, even if you’ve read The Notebook, (sobby) Eat, Pray, Love (laughy), Where The Wild Things Are (scary) and The Bronze Horseman (heartbreaky).

I met with a Definitely Excellent makeup artist and lovely woman in general last week, Fiona who has just released her line of makeup brushes called Smudge (call 1300 720 413). They are very good, very simple to use and when she explained how to use them all, I felt like I actually didn’t know very much about applying makeup at all. But that happens a lot with me: every time I meet a clever new expert with new techniques to the last one, I feel dumb, but then waaaaay smarter after. I’m used to it now.

Anyway. Fiona didn’t approve of my blush. I was trying to be sophisticated, and sweep it back and up towards my hairline, under my cheekbone, so as to push said cheekbone out. That’s what I’d been taught to do most recently, and thus it was what I did every day.
 

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